Monstra Mihi Pecuniam – Show Me the Money

For my readers from my former blogging home, this column may look familiar as I wrote one similar to this earlier. It's not a duplicate and I like to think I expanded it somewhat.

A couple of days ago, I was reading Spirited's blog on Defining Abuse within BDSM relationships. I wish I had read it three years ago when it would have saved me considerable grief. It's definitely ~~doll ~~ recommended and not just for the submissive partners. I think it's good for the dominant partner to periodically review these principles so they keep themselves well on the right side of the dividing line. Personally, and this is because I really do have a Pollyannaish view on reality, I believe that most Dominant partners wish to be good towards their submissive partners but sometimes lose sight of the checkpoints. Over time, the creep towards the edge can land both partners into a deep and dark hole.

It's a very good list of things to look at but the one I'd like to target today is Economic Abuse. It's on top for me right now for a couple of reasons. One is because I have a friend who has dug herself into a rather deep pit with a man and one of the key things keeping her from extracting herself is the financial bondage she's place herself in with him. That's not blaming the victim, by the way. It's just a sad reflection on the gravity of this issue. That's a secondary point really. My mind is focused on these issues because Michael and I have been dancing around the whole issue of "who owns what and who is responsible for what" for the past two months. Actually, it's more like six months. We just get one item settled and it seems like something else pops up. I feel like it's Hercules versus the hydra and the hydra has the home court advantage.

Now let's be perfectly clear about a few things. I'm nearly 27 years old, I'm madly in love and when I get to spend some precious time with the man I adore, I want to spend it having crazy monkey sex. I think there are still a few surfaces in the house that haven't been christened. I do NOT want to discuss pension contributions, whole life versus term life insurance and equity stakes. In fact, if I live to be 200 years old and never again heard the phrase "equity stake", I would survive quite handily. Michael has other thoughts on the matter. Not that he has any inherent issues with crazy wild sex in every room of the house but he tends to take a look at the long term plan as well. At least one of us is the responsible adult. Like a lot of women (certainly not all), all this talk of money and asset management is too… well, it's not very romantic, is it? It completely kicks my rose coloured spectacles off my nose and makes me face up to the fact that much of our 'romantic' entanglement is a business contract and the more time passes, the more entangled we become economically.

I totally sympathize with women who have signed off on domestic partnership agreements and prenuptial documents that don't protect their economic interests. I get why women ignore the advice of their lawyer and sign off things just to stop having to discuss it. There's something creepy about discussing how to break up when you're not even fighting about anything. I don't what to think about the future that would involve me being separated from Michael for any reason. That's the romantic girl in me but as my mother is quick to point out, all great relationships end one of two ways: death or divorce. Pick your poison. On the other hand, Michael's been married before and understands all too well how a couple can go from "happy ever after" to "I'm out of here" in the space of five years.

Can someone tell me why it's easier to discuss sex with a partner than it is to discuss money? When it comes to the realm of 'personal', discussing sex is easy. "I like it when you spank me" is a whole lot easier to bring up than "what's owing on the mortgage?" I'm still stumbling with having adult conversations with my partner about money and finances, even within the practices of a safe relationship that I currently enjoy. I can't imagine even trying if the relationship was 'less safe'.

One of the first 'girlfriend assignments' Michael gave me was redoing his bedroom space in his apartment. I drew up a budget and a plan which he approved and I was let loose on the project. In the end, I think he was very pleased that I finished the project under budget with good results. The bed space looked beautiful without being too girly and I proved to him that I was financially responsible when entrusted with his credit cards.

I won't even pretend there's any form of financial equity between us. Michael's a top earner in a highly lucrative profession. I'm a full-time student who picks up some part-time hours here and there. He earns more in an hour than I do in a week. It's his earning power that provides for our standard of living. The choices of where we live and the type of activities we enjoy are set by his economic inputs, not mine. In short, all the economic power in our household is concentrated in his hands. And, for us, it skews the power imbalance too much within our relationship.

I'm sure that it's obvious to anyone who has read this blog that we do not live the Master/slave paradigm. Total power exchange is not our thing. Not that there is anything inherently wrong with TPE but I couldn't do it and he doesn't want it, so why pretend? Something we learned very early on in our co-habitation experiment is that when the natural power imbalance in our relationship becomes too pronounced, our relationship suffers. I react by withdrawing from him and adopting protective stances with him. He was left making decisions on incorrect information. It's hard for him to take care of my needs when I'm too timid to tell him my honest reactions to situations. I wasn't lying to him on any kind of conscious level. I was unconsciously trying to mimic what I thought he wanted from a woman. I was too invested in transforming myself into his perfect woman that I didn't allow myself to be the woman he wanted. The power imbalance exacerbated it all. The more power that slide his way, the more reluctant I was to express myself. My increasing dependency on him did more than make me feel vulnerable. I was starting to feel powerless and with that, feeling victimized. It was becoming a bad mental scene.

Fortunately, a friend who has been very helpful in mentoring me over the past couple of years helped me understand what I was doing to the relationship. He helped me find the courage to talk to Michael frankly and without reservation. To his credit, Michael is a sensitive and thoughtful man. He's very good about giving me a safe space to express myself. He's a good listener because he listens with his ears and his heart. The power differential inside our relationship wasn't something that bothered him. I'm sure that on some level he thought it was no big deal. What was a big deal to him was how uncomfortable it was making me and how it becoming a wedge between the two of us.

Michael's spent a lot of time and thought and effort in trying to minimize the effects of this discrepancy within our relationship. He listened to how I found asking him for household money to be very stressful. He settled it by arranging for a direct deposit into my bank account for my rather generous housekeeping allowance that's mine to manage as I see fit. I don't have to bother him about every little detail. If I want to spend $8 on nice napkins for the table, I can without going to him. As long as the bills are paid, the money is mine to use as I see fit, including saving or investing it. I'm not the wage earner in this relationship, but I do have access to some of the economic resources of it.

My return to school to finish my abandoned degree is part of Michael's overall plan for my future. He sees me as being economically endangered without finishing my education. It's a non-negotiable matter for him. As he's put it many times, any money spent on my education is an emotional safety net knowing that I'll be better able to take care of myself should something happen to him.

In a few years, we'll have another bridge to cross. Should we be blessed with children, will I leave the paid workforce and be a full-time stay at home mom? Michael's a very traditional man and so it was surprising to me that he's not so keen on that idea. He argues that those key years of earnings lost in to a woman have lifetime economic impacts that he's not overly comfortable with. There's a reason why poverty in Canada has a woman's face and loss of time in the work force is part of it.

I know all this stuff is good for me. I just hate it. Again, this is stuff I really don't want to deal with. I want the happy ever after. I want the rose covered cottage. I want the princess hat. And the sparkly shoes. Dolls shouldn't have to deal with these elements of reality but something tells me, I'm better off being forced to confront these issues now instead of capitulating to my desire to sweep it all under the carpet with hopes it goes away. It's empowering on some levels to face it. At the same time, it's a little bit on the scary side for me.

~~doll~~

Note to reader: This is a part of a writing assignment given to me by my boyfriend when I was struggling with writer's block. He gave me a list of Latin phrases and expressions to use as inspirational fodder. This is one from that series.