How do you know?

In the last few weeks, my mind's activities keeps being drawn to the questions of relationships, particularly love relationships. Why do we fall in love? What are the things that 'do it' for me with a man, in the bedroom and out, I might add? Why I have I fallen madly in love with men only to be cool on them a few months later? Was that love or merely lust? What are the elements that transform the heady moments of lust and longing to a mature and stable love? And sadly, what makes love go away?

For years, I looked to my parents as a shining example of how to have a successful marriage. For 34 years, they appeared to be a happy couple, devoted even. I always said that I wanted a marriage just like my parents and yes, I probably on some subconscious level made dating decisions that reflected that. To me, they were perfect. They were different from one another and had their own interests. Both had very successful careers. And it was obvious to all observers that they loved each other deeply and with mutual respect.

I was born late into their marriage. They had given up hope that they would have a child when "surprise" showed up on a pregnancy test. I am their only child and I grew up in a very adult centered, adult based home. The children that their friends had were teenagers when I was a toddler. I think they were both at a bit of a loss of what to do with a child, so they just made it up as they went along. They more or less treated me like an adult with special needs. I needed to eat more frequently. I needed to sleep earlier and longer. I wasn't capable of making rational decisions so they had to do that for me but for the most part, I grew up in the company of adults with expectations that I was perfectly capable of behaving in adult company. My parents, and I will forever be grateful for this, didn't dumb things down for me. There was no baby talk and the assumption was that if I wasn't old enough for a topic, I wouldn't understand it in the first place.

I don't think they changed much about their behaviour when I was growing up. Either consciously or otherwise, they exposed me to a million examples of "how to be an adult". I watched my parents disagree and argue. They never fought. There was no yelling and screaming and the smashing of dishes. But they certainly disagreed and I'd witness their back and forth negotiations as they tried to accommodate both of their divergent perspectives. For the most part, they were successful. I learned how to 'fight fair' from childhood. I learned a lot about how couples make decisions about time and money. I grew up a baby negotiator. In high school, I was the "fair one", called upon by my contemporaries to listen to the problem and find something for everyone as a solution. I helped people 'save face' and move past their grievances with one another with some semblance of dignity.

So, it's no exaggeration when I say that my parents' decision to divorce last year was a surprise. The reasons for it are many and complicated and largely irrelevant to anyone save themselves. . For me, the dissolution of my parents' marriage was the emotional equivalent of repealing the laws of gravity. I kicked me into a spin and sowed a lot of doubt in my mind.

Here I was, early into a wonderful and rewarding love affair of my own and suddenly everything I thought to be true about "love" was called into question. Michael was a huge help in steadying me in those first initial weeks. He's been through a divorce – one marked with bitterness and acrimony. Fortunately, there were no children so they were truly capable of finalizing their divorce unlike parents who can never fully end their relationship with their former partner. Michael and his ex-wife can ignore each other with impunity except when they meet in professional circles.

In the initial shock of it all, when I would get into one of my very reflective modes and am questioning everything, Michael reassured me that our relationship is 'night and day' difference between the one he had with his wife. Firstly, we don't compete with one another. He says that's the biggest difference. My natural instinct towards deference is an advantage here. He finds himself seeking out my opinions rather than trying to batter down arguments with another skilled debater. When we talk, even about contentious issues, there's no winner. We converse even when we disagree.

I also see how he put my needs ahead of his without hesitation. Our plans for the holidays this year had been pretty simple. Thanksgiving was spent with my parents. Christmas was going to be with his family in Florida. It was a pretty big deal for him. Professional obligations in 2010 are pulling one of his brothers into one of the world's hot spots for an extended period of time. There's the unspoken understanding that Christmas 2009 might be the last Christmas for "the boys" to come together with their parents and families. "The Boys" have a part golf/ part grudge match they ritually indulge in on Christmas Day and I know Michael really wanted to be there to 'terrorize a few worms" with his brothers.

Yet, when the full ramifications of my parents' divorce were felt, his immediate and first reaction was "We can't go to Florida. Your dad can't be alone this Christmas."

I was completely torn because Michael was right. My father really shouldn't have been alone last Christmas. He needed, for the first time ever I suspect, his family and a third of it had just left the country, literally. And since I'm the only child, that left me to step up to the plate. It all ended well. My father came here for Christmas and on the 27^th, he flew to his holiday destination and Michael flew to Florida to join his brothers. For the record, Alexandre is this year's winner of the grudge fest.

I'm unnerved. I thought my parents had the keys to a lasting and loving relationship. Clearly, my assumptions are wrong there. Once upon a time, Michael stood in front of his friends and family and with all the sincerity in the world, pledged his love and devotion to a woman until the end of their lives. All these people embarked on marriage thinking they had found the one they could spend the rest of their life with and equally as sure, they were wrong. A friend of mine is married, more or less happily in most of the areas that count, yet he recently surprised himself to find himself very much in love with another woman and truly, he is a torn man over this. Yet once upon a time, he believed his wife would fulfill him for their lifetime.

How do you know you've found the person you're supposed to be with? These are the questions that keep me awake at night. How do you know?

~~doll~~