Ductus Exemplo – Lead by Example

Once again, I find myself in the position of blaming Sir J from A Dominant Character for the creation of this column. In his last forays into the blogosphere, he wrote an argument that's been reverberating in my brain for the better part of a day. Briefly, he argued that truly effective Dominants are gentlemen, articulate, polite, considerate, and logical. I liked his column but there seemed to be some dimension missing in his description that I couldn't quite put my finger on. I rolled it around in my mind for a while and finally, it dawned on me. Dominants, the good ones anyways, are leaders. They have the capacity to motivate others and bring them to the service of a common cause.

Leaders are the people we turn to in times of confusion and upset. We check our own emotional inventory against the ones they display and govern ourselves accordingly. We might feel panicked or frightened, but when we turn to our leader, and find he (or she) is displaying calmness and confidence, our own of sense of stability increases and displaces the anxiety. We see this all the time with children in their interactions with their mothers. Something unusual happens and the child turns to his mother to find out what is the proper response to this new thing. Her response will govern the child's emotional state, sometimes for years to come.

I was about 4 or 5 years old when a neighbour's house, a few houses down from ours, caught on fire. Now my parent's home is in a very historical district of town. There wouldn't be a house in three square blocks that was younger than 150 years old and as was the style in those days, the large wooden houses are very close to the street front on narrow, deep, usually fenced lots. I'm sure any fire in this area is the fire department's nightmare because they're so combustible, and they don't have room to deploy some of their bigger equipment. The street was completely blocked off with fire trucks (lots of them) and police cars (lots of them) and there were hoses and water and squawking radios. In short, for a four year old standing on her porch looking out on the street, this was more exciting than a trip to the circus. All those flashing lights and very important people moving with such purposefulness!

The fire department was concerned that this one house fire would jump from house to house to house. Somebody important came our door and talked to my mother and told her that she should prepare for an evacuation order should it come to that. My mother's response was to calmly bring me into the house and set about packing two overnight bags and very strangely, all the photo albums and put them in the car. I packed my own little suitcase for Susie and myself. After that, we went to the kitchen and made cookies, and squares, and a large pot of chili. And the big party urn of coffee. The policeman blocking traffic at the end of the block very much appreciated the meal and the hot drink, as did some of the other people involved in the chaos. That's where I learned how one deals with an emergency. In the case of disaster, make a casserole and put on the coffee pot. Somebody, some time, is going to need something to eat and one must be prepared. For me, the entire event was rather exciting. All these years later, I remember it distinctly but it's not a source of trauma. I looked to my mother and read her calm, deliberate actions and knew that whatever happened, it was going to be just fine.

Compare this with a little friend who lived down the street, on the other side of the fire and across the street from it. The wind wasn't blowing towards her house and I suspect that the danger to her home was less than it was to ours. Nevertheless, her mother pulled a complete and total freak out. Her mother cried and wailed and had all the kids in a completely state of terror and that has stayed with my childhood friend. Twenty years later, if you mention the word 'fire', she will compulsively tell you about the time her house almost burnt to the ground and the mortal danger she and her family faced. She will tell you this even though she knows you've heard the story before and even if you say that you remember the story, she still needs to tell it. The memory of this event still produces so much anxiety that she's compelled to release by recounting the tale. And it keeps manifesting itself in a growing collection of phobias. Last time I was with her, she had developed a fear of elevators. What happens if the elevator is stuck and the building catches on fire? As an adult, she is completely traumatized and it wasn't by the fire. The source of her panic, even now, is her mother's response to the event.

Leadership is powerful stuff. It impacts the day to day and we see that. What we forget is that it impacts the future. The steadying hand of leadership, even in the small confines of our own individual households, has continuing impact on the lives of those exposed to it.

To my mind, Sir J's description of a gentleman, with his "little logic, a bit of forethought and a great deal of consideration", is the description of a leader. The man who can face adversity and conflict without swearing and cursing and raising his voice is a man in control of the situation. A man who conducts himself with civility and courtesy is a man who is aware of his ability to impact the emotional states of others. A man who maintains his temper, indeed all of his emotional responses, is a man who is purposeful in his approach to the world. This is the man who could forgo the immediate pleasures of the now to concentrate on the greater goal of tomorrow. It's a man who is disciplined in himself and therefore can, in good conscience, provide discipline to those around him.

These are solid men of true character and determination and they're the men I've responded to the most quickly. The capacity for self-discipline is probably the first characteristic I seek out in a man. I could never submit to man who was unable to conduct himself as a gentleman, for the same reasons I could never get involved with a man who is addicted to cigarettes or is a habitual drunkard. If he can't control his own vices, how can he presume to make decisions for me? He can't even look after himself.

Sir J, as well as many who commented on his blog, seemed to regret the loss of the gentleman archetype in our current culture, for indeed, these men are rare in a society that equates bluster and bombast with masculinity. I disagree with the sentiment. These men are rare. I'll give you that. But so are diamonds, the pink ones more so. If they were common place, I don't think we'd value them as much.

Besides, the gentleman's very scarcity makes him easier to pick out in a crowd. Let the other men be louts. A gentleman will always stand out in the crowd. I've always said that one of the first things I check out on a man is how he treats the waitress when we're dining together. It says volumes about how a man handles power and conflict, especially when his order comes from the kitchen incorrect.

So, from an adoring little submissive doll, let's celebrate the gentlemen of this world. Each and every one of you is the frosting on the cake that makes Life just a little bit sweeter.

~~doll~~

Note to reader: This is a part of a writing assignment given to me by my boyfriend when I was struggling with writer's block. He gave me a list of Latin phrases and expressions to use as inspirational fodder. This is one from that series.