New Directions… maybe?

I haven't written much lately for a few reasons. One is that we're just amazingly busy. The end of term is upon us and I'm prepping for final exams. Michael's back to traveling a lot for business reasons. The luxury of having him home every night has come to a close for another while.

The second reason is a little more … well, it's just odd and I'm a little at a loss to understand it myself. People who know me well know I'm pretty committed to the practice of yoga. I've been "doing yoga" since my early teens and actually, I'm qualified to teach it. It's been a constant part of my life for well over a decade now. Michael has always been respectful of that part of my life although he doesn't have much interest in it, per se.

Well, that's not entirely true. He has no interest in the postural practice that we in North America equate with 'doing yoga" – you know, all that pretzel bend stuff. For the record, that comprises about 8% of what yoga is, although it's an important 8%. He enjoys the philosophy and likes to talk to me about what aspect of the philosophy I'm wrestling with at any particular point in time. It's fodder for frequent discussions between us and is something that's been one of the threads in the bond between us.

Yoga has something to say about almost every aspect of life (other than what God looks like and does He/She write books or have kids) and sexuality is no different. Now, first off, yoga is a BIG tradition. That's what happens when you've been around for 4000 years – there's lots of viewpoints from the very ascetic to the very hedonistic and a few thousand variations and combinations in between. There are schools of yoga that demand celibacy and … well, the Kama Sutra IS a yoga text.

For five years or maybe a bit more, I've wanted to explore Tantric yoga and sexuality – specifically, the idea of using sexual energy as a means of liberation. I've stayed away from it because ... well, it's not about sex, orgasms or positions. It's an extremely intimate practice. Tantric sexuality is about energy between a man and a woman in a safe, loving relationship. It has to be handled cautiously and with respect because it solidifies bonds between lovers. Personally, I think it's dangerous, certainly on an emotional plane, to use it casually and recklessly for the purpose of having some freaky cum-fest. In fact, orgasm is pretty secondary to the whole process and it certainly isn't a "goal".

On our honeymoon, my desire to explore some of the principles of Tantra came up in one of many conversations and the more we talked, the more interested Michael was… at least after I explained that it wasn't just about a bunch of weird positions. First of all, it's a spiritual practice that celebrates the unifying bliss of loving sexual expression.

We've slowly been incorporating some of the ideas into our life and when I think about all this, part of my brain says this is totally different than BDSM and the other part of my brain argues that it's exactly BDSM. I'm finding it difficult to characterize and analyze, so it's been difficult to write about it. In the end, perhaps what I need to do is stop analyzing and just be with it. I think I'm too involved to have any sort of perspective on it.

So what is Tantra? To me, it's not about technique. It's about attitude. It's about how we come to one another as lovers. And for me, it's been very empowering over the past six weeks. So what's changed for us? Well, I suspect this is more than one blog but one of the things that has changed is our bedroom. We've made a decision to treat it like sacred space. We bought some new bedding and most importantly, the television has been removed from it. This is a consecrated and holy space where we come together as a couple without any distractions. Michael has absolutely promised me that he won't use the space to do work in. He has a home office to do that. No laptops, no TVs, no gaming systems, no reading. Our bedroom is for two purposes only – to sleep and to make love.

Given the amount of eye-rolling that went with it, I don't think he was overly convinced and my terms, for the lack of a better word, were filed under the category of "Oh, the things I do to make her happy". Six weeks later, he admits it's made a difference for both of us. He's noticed it mostly in the fact that he falls asleep much better in the 'new bedroom'. Entering the bedroom has become one of his body's 'sleep cues', helping him shut down emotionally and mentally enough to sleep properly. For me, it's an eroticized space. I find my sexual responsiveness is much more accessible when I'm there. Just being in the room makes me a little tingly and for the first time ever, in my entire life, I've initiated sexual play. This, my husband assures me, is a huge turn on for a man, or at least it is for him.

I don't know if this is 'new' territory for us or just a natural continuation of the bonds we've been forging over the past year. I don't know if the exploration of tantric sexuality is the cause of my new found lustiness or if it's because I finally feel safe and secure in a relationship. In the end, I don't think it matters. These are just points of curiosity that I have.

I don't know where we're going with this. I'm just enjoying the journey right now. Does that mean we'll never play again with some of the toys and accoutrements of "kink"? I suspect we'll be back to it at some point but right now, it just doesn't feel right and I'm good with that.

~~doll~~