There you have it – I'm a ridiculously content little doll these days. Although it's been all of two weeks, marriage has been good for me emotionally. I belong. Finally, after all this time, I belong. There is a man who wants me above all others and he has the guts to say it out loud. That just has to be good for a girl's ego.
And for me, it's surprising how much things changed between us. It's like we were heading in that direction all along and the judge's words were some type of magic incantation that just made everything manifest within us. Prior to my marriage, I would have sworn I didn't hold anything back from Michael. I truly believed that there was no resistance to him – physically, emotionally or mentally.
WRONG!
No one was more surprised than me to experience this but as I snuggled up against my husband, languishing in the soft glow of the hotel room and our lovemaking, talking softly in the semi-dark, I felt something deep inside me dissolving. Wariness, distrust, fear of rejection, fear of abandonment, anxiety about being 'good enough', anxiety of whether I measured up to previous girlfriends, lovers and his former wife.
Intellectually, politically, I have always been 100% in support of the right of homosexual couples to marry. I found no logic present amongst the arguments of its opponents. On the one occasion when I met former Prime Minister Martin, the only thing I conveyed to him was how proud I was as a Canadian for his support on the issue and his willingness to push it politically. It was the right thing to do even if unpopular in some circles. But up until now, I truly didn't get how important the issue was. Marriage is a civil union – yes. But not all civil unions are marriages and while it's hard for me to articulate the difference – oh la, la, it is there and it is real.
Marriage has changed me (and yes, it's only been 2 weeks) but that doesn't make it any less significant. Over the course of days, I've found that when my old anxious ghosts return to regain entry to my psyche, all I need to do is look at my wedding ring and they're again banished.
Marriage changes everything.
Wow... it's interesting that marriage had such a huge impact for you. It did for me to some extent, but at the same time I think I already "felt" married to Asha long before the ceremony. But the actual marriage ceremony did deepen something between us. I've never been able to quite put it into words, but I think you described it quite well.
ReplyDeleteCongrats, btw!
*hugs*
spirited
It is very special - not magic or all powerful - it does eventually boil down to two people, but it provides a way of conceptualizing the plural "you" instead of each of you. Enjoy.
ReplyDeleteYou sound so happy, just like you're glowing. You're a good example that marriage is more than just a piece of paper. They've even done studies that married couples tend to stay together longer than couples who just live together.
ReplyDeleteAs a veteran of marriage, I do know there will be ups and downs but your love for each other should make you well equipped to deal with it all and have decades of happiness. Good luck.
FD
~hugs~ I have just been getting caught up on all your blogs... I am so happy for you and yours... I hope you find all you seek on your path together...
ReplyDeleteyou have not been around in a while. I hope it is just married bliss getting in the way and that everything is okay.
ReplyDelete