Waves from the Library…

Hi folks.. I know I've been somewhat negligent in blogging of late. It's the end of term and I'm trying to get ready for final exams. Truly, my mind has been preoccupied with matters of American history and Gross Anatomy & Physiology.

Marriage is fitting me well. I'm happy and content. It's a very solid feeling of belonging. I feel safe and that someone has my back. Of course, as soon as I type those words, I think about the last woman who said that expression publicly, only to regret it later. Not that it's my intention to gossip about two people I've never met and don't know, but gosh, I can't help but feel some stirring of compassion for Sandra Bullock these days.

I've decided (we've decided?) that I'm going to take intersession and summer session courses this year. There's nothing I want more than to get this danged degree done and then I can get on with my life – whatever that means for me. Work? Grad school? Re-open my old business? Stay at home mom? I have no idea what the future holds and that's good. For the first time ever, I'm perfectly happy not having a long term plan. What will happen will happen. We'll make the best decisions we can at the time with what we know at the time.

Hello, God.. do you even recognize me anymore? The tears and anxiety and fear have melted into the past. Part of why this 'blog has been so … neglected would be the right word, I think… so neglected is I am ridiculously content with my life. I'm busy for sure. It's the end of term, finals coming up, Michael has had a lot of formal business entertaining that he expects me to assist with… but it doesn't feel crazy. Even with all the demands on time, it feels good. I know what's expected of me and I can count on that.

Right now, I need to get to bed. My days have been productive but long and I'm tired. I just thought I should drop a line to let everyone know that my absence is because I'm in a very happy place right now … and I'm sure none of you are keen on the functions of the tibialis anterior muscle etc. Hint: it acts to dorsiflex and invert the foot … aren't you glad you tuned in tonight.

Thanks for reading and to all who have sent the little *knock knock, you ok* messages, I just want you know, I am feeling wonderful. Thank you for caring. I consider you one of the many blessings in my life.

~~doll~~

Happiness is…

There you have it – I'm a ridiculously content little doll these days. Although it's been all of two weeks, marriage has been good for me emotionally. I belong. Finally, after all this time, I belong. There is a man who wants me above all others and he has the guts to say it out loud. That just has to be good for a girl's ego.

And for me, it's surprising how much things changed between us. It's like we were heading in that direction all along and the judge's words were some type of magic incantation that just made everything manifest within us. Prior to my marriage, I would have sworn I didn't hold anything back from Michael. I truly believed that there was no resistance to him – physically, emotionally or mentally.

WRONG!

No one was more surprised than me to experience this but as I snuggled up against my husband, languishing in the soft glow of the hotel room and our lovemaking, talking softly in the semi-dark, I felt something deep inside me dissolving. Wariness, distrust, fear of rejection, fear of abandonment, anxiety about being 'good enough', anxiety of whether I measured up to previous girlfriends, lovers and his former wife.

Intellectually, politically, I have always been 100% in support of the right of homosexual couples to marry. I found no logic present amongst the arguments of its opponents. On the one occasion when I met former Prime Minister Martin, the only thing I conveyed to him was how proud I was as a Canadian for his support on the issue and his willingness to push it politically. It was the right thing to do even if unpopular in some circles. But up until now, I truly didn't get how important the issue was. Marriage is a civil union – yes. But not all civil unions are marriages and while it's hard for me to articulate the difference – oh la, la, it is there and it is real.

Marriage has changed me (and yes, it's only been 2 weeks) but that doesn't make it any less significant. Over the course of days, I've found that when my old anxious ghosts return to regain entry to my psyche, all I need to do is look at my wedding ring and they're again banished.

Marriage changes everything.

 

Is it Friday already??

It's been wildly busy this week. Classes and teaching and more classes and reading and studying.

I did listen to all of your kind advice and I've decided to change my name to Michael's . I'm now "doll Let-Me-Spell-That-For-You"

Home again for this weekend. End of term is almost upon us and final exams!!! Then... I think intersession? Apparently, I'm a masochist, just not in the bedroom.

Have a lovely weekend everyone. Hopefully next week I'll settle down and actually write something.

~~doll~~

What’s in a name?

"What's in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell just as sweet."
(William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, Act II, Scene II)

Amusing story from the honeymoon – We were checking into the hotel in Toronto, having been married less than 6 hours at this point. Michael was standing at the desk, filling out the registration information when he turned to me and said, "Who are you anyway?"

The clerk flinched but like all front desk staff around the world, you needed to be at just the right angle to catch it. I started to laugh and Michael clued into his unintended joke. He laughed and slightly sheepishly, told the clerk we'd just been married and well, what name…

We had never discussed it before the wedding and in my mind, I always thought it would automatic for me to assume my husband's surname upon marriage. In fact, if Michael had written down "Mr. & Mrs. Michael Smith", it would have been a done deal. But he didn't assume and turned to ask, and in that moment, I hesitated and I realized I was unsure of the answer.

"I don't know" was my answer and the question was fodder for many conversations over the next week. I'm very ambivalent over it right now. I bounce back and forth. I'm an only child which means my father has no sons to carry forth his name into the next generation. There's part of me that hates the idea of it dying out here but truly, that is the nature of life.

The other part of me loves the idea of 40 years from now, Michael and I being "The Smiths over on Walnut St". I like the idea of the unity and the tradition of it all.

I asked Michael about his preferences. He thought about it a bit, "My first wife took my name when we got married. It didn't help one bit." He's firmly in Bill Shakespeare's camp on the matter. He doesn't care if I answer to Smith or Jones, just so long as I continue to answer to him and him alone.

There's another point, although rather minor in the scheme of things. I have a very common surname. I rarely need to spell it out to someone. Michael, on the other hand, descends from Danish immigrants to Canada. His surname has unusual phonetic combinations and he's always spelling it out, and the listener still runs a 50% chance of getting it wrong. At one point, when he was charging something to our room at the resort, and had spelled his name out three times for the staff member, he turned to me and said in mock exasperation, "Screw it. I'm changing MY name to yours."

I've given myself to the end of the week to decide what I'm doing with it. Is the symbolic gesture worth all the time and paperwork it'll take to change my official profile in the world? Does it mean anything to anyone really? After all, whether the surname is Scottish or Danish, I'll still be a ~~doll~~.

We're home

It was the perfect vacation -- the perfect honeymoon. For the most part, we had great weather and even the one day of rain didn't cause any great strife. It was warm and the resort was beautiful.

The best part was the fact we had time. We had the luxury of 10 days where we had no one to answer to, no clients to serve, no Blackberries to answer, no schedule dictating our moments. It was liberating. We had the freedom to sit and just talk without one eye on a watch, hoping we can get it all in before the next item on the agenda summons one of us away.

And I wish someone had told me earlier how HOT married sex is. You guys have been keeping this a secret way too long. My husband... oh my heart flutters when I say that ... my husband brought me to places I didn't know existed.

Today's about unpacking and convincing the cat to forgive us for having abandoned her in a ludicrously expensive cat spa for a week, laundry and then we're both back to reality.

To all our well wishers, thank you. A special thank you to Douglas, my fellow Latin lover, for the gift of the Epithalamium. It was enjoyed by both of us -- of course, I was the one who got all misty eyed.